Three
As the time to finish work drew to a close, Kunitaka became restless and distracted, even though he knew shouldn’t.
What should bring to Ryouichirou?
Sushi? Daifuku? Rice crackers?
If he wanted to buy rice crackers he had heard there was well established shop of good standing in the Kioi-cho area, if he remembered correctly. However if he went after he had finished work, the shop would undoubtedly be closed. In that case, it should be fine if he slipped out during his lunch break and bought something.
While he was carefully thinking about this, he unthinkingly wrote on a piece of paper, “rice crackers”, with a fountain pen. Realising this, he instantly went red.
It wasn’t an official document, thank goodness.
“Seikanji, looks like you’re having fun.”
Unexpectedly called out to, Kunitaka looked up, startled.
“Me?”
Superior officer Colonel Saitou smiled and laughed, and cheerfully slapped Kunitaka on the back.
“That’s right. I’ve noticed you’ve become a lot cheerful lately.”
“I don’t know why either though.”
“Want to have a drink on the way home?”
“I’m very sorry, but I have some errands to take care of after work.”
“Is that so? Too bad…”
“Please excuse me” said Kunitaka, and started to get ready to go home.
He was happy, being able to see Ryouichirou.
He was happy, however, the truth was the words to express that feeling had not caught up with him. Even though the separation of time and distance were too long, the empty vacuum had been very easily buried.
The boosk Ryouichirou had lent him, had been interesting at any rate. Borrowing and reading his books was also a pretext to see Ryouichirou again. They could talk about their common interests. Thinking of that, Kunitaka would read the books, falling in a daze.
Ryouichirou had lent him types of novels and critiques he had never touched before. Kunitaka had been surprised and honestly moved by them. He enjoyed being with Ryouichirou, though, even when they had time, it was never enough.
Kunitaka thought, somewhere in his heart, that literature and theatre were mere consolation, they were not things that were necessary for him to live. Sooner or later, he resigned himself to needing to throw away the feelings that drew him to movies and theatre.
However, Ryouichirou was different. He had said it was ok not to throw them away. Softly, without throwing away the naïve parts of himself, he could live on.
Kunitaka, who, lived a constrained life as the eldest son of the Seikanji family , had been given a place he could be himself. Ryouichirou, who had not changed from before, was gently generous, and caring to those younger than him.
The only one who had changed was Kunitaka.
Although Ryouichirou had lost his left eye, Kunitaka had come to lose more than this. The innocence of infancy, and the meekness of a pure belief in the future. Nevertheless, if he was by Ryouichirou’s side, his heart was at ease. Touched by Ryouichirou’s gentleness, he felt his hardened heart soften.
He wanted to know more about Ryouichirou, who had cast such a spell on him. Such the reason for the artificial eye. Either way, Kunitaka had been hesitant to bring it up, and he had not broached it in conversation.
In the end, even though he had just thought of what to bring Ryouichirou, the shop had already closed. Kunitaka hadn’t wanted to, but he arrived at Ryouichirou’s lodging empty handed.
“Ryou!”
He opened the door, and when Kunitaka called out to Ryouichirou, facing away from him, Ryouichirou, who was organising the bookcase with a frown, under the dim electric light, looked over his shoulder, and smiled broadly.
However.
In the next moment, Ryouichirou suddenly went on guard. A cold tension ran between them.
“…Ryou?”
Kunitaka flinched, at having that piercing gaze cast at him.
“What’s wrong?”
Sensing Kunitaka’s discomposure, Ryouichirou tried to smile like he always did.
“Ahh, no, it’s nothing…I was just surprised, you are wearing your army uniform, that’s all.”
Kunitaka’s feelings became quite mixed, realising that his army clothes caused a troubled reaction from Ryou.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t think.”
Among the neighbouring residents, Kunitaka might be mistaken as military police, which could lead people to have groundless doubts about Ryouichirou. In that case, it might become difficult for Ryouichirou to live here.
“I knew that you were in the army, but this makes it more real. It’s me who should apologise.”
“It doesn’t suit me, does it?”
“A much gentler colour would suit you.” Not that muddy khaki, his words implied.
In the same way as the masses, who reviled the armed forces as being useless, Ryouichirou definitely disliked the military and the army uniform, in the same way.
Just like his value to society was being negated, he felt a dull pain in his heart.
“By the way, how did you find the book you borrowed the other day?”
“Ahh, it was really interesting!” Kunitaka forced enthusiasm into his voice, and Ryouichirou, seeming relieved, nodded.
“That’s good. We got some new books in stock.” However, Ryouichirou’s words and voice were somehow cold and distant.
Was it such a bad thing, that he had worn his military uniform?
He had wanted to see Ryouichirou as soon as possible, so he had come here straight from his workplace, had that been a mistake?
“Ryou. Could it be you don’t like the military?”
Despite his half self-loathing, Kunitaka brought up the topic of conversation again.
“No.”
“Is that right? Then, why is wearing my military uniform such a…”
His own childishness, in being unusually obstinate in pressing for answers, was pathetic. At Ryouichirou’s every move, he was on edge, it was not like him.
“It’s not that I don’t like it. It just feels out of place. If I have hurt your feelings, I’m truly sorry.”
His perfunctory words almost washed the hurt away, but instead left him all the more wounded.
It was not that Kunitaka wanted to talk about the matter. He only wanted to know Ryouichirou’s true feelings.
“However, it’s not like you do dodge the question like this. In the past, if you didn’t like something you would straight out say so, but I…”
Loved you for it, Kunitaka swallowed those far too unvarnished words.
“I am a cowardly human being,” Ryouichirou murmured in a low voice.
“Ryou…?”
“I’m happy that you remember me in the past, but I’m…not that person anymore.”
“Me, I’ve changed too, time passes and everyone changes, it’s the same for both of us.”
“No. Master Kunitaka, you haven’t changed one bit. It’s only me.”
At a voice so cold it made him shiver, Kunitaka looked closely.
Due to the effect brought about by Ryouichirou’s different coloured eyes, and the faint, old scar near his eye, he was given an intimidating air. Kunitaka shivered unconsciously, and took a half step back.
This wasn’t Ryouichirou.
Even though the person here should have been Ryouichirou.
Now, Kunitaka stood off against him, this was not the calm and gentle man he knew.
An unknown man, who watched Kunitaka with a chilly expression.
Who?
This man, who was he…?
Kunitaka who looked at Ryouichirou with a long, fixed gaze, perceived the meaning of that gaze, troubled, he laughed.
“I shouldn’t have said anything, please forget it.”
“Ryou…?”
What secrets were inside this man?
In his depths, something cold and quiet slept. The things he had dug up and touched, without wishing to, were terrifying secrets.
In the depths of Ryouichirou’s fake eye, something was concealed. Kunitaka felt that.
“My bad. Let’s talk about something else.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“Anyway, the other day, when at the theatre I saw that there is a new play coming. Want to go and see it?”
“Ah…”
That theatre company thought up something elaborate every time for their set public performance times. If he could, he wanted to go see it with Ryouichirou.
“You haven’t checked yet? If you walk around Asakusa, there’s posters all over the place.”
“Really? I see.”
Ryouichiou, who nodded, really not seeming interested, roused Kunitaka’s suspicion.
“Sorry, my head’s been a bit full of work matters lately.”
“Is…that so. Sounds tough.”
At that small theatre, where they had met again after such a long time, he had said he liked theatre so much that he went and saw it by himself. However, he couldn’t press him on that inconsistency. The secrets that Ryouichirou had…Kunitaka was more afraid than anything of knowing the truth.
Was the problem really that he was in the military?
If asked if they didn’t like the military, most people would say they didn’t. It was the people associated with the socialist and labour movements who particularly detested the authorities. It was natural to be disliked.
For example, if Ryouichirou was a citizen who had even just a little bit of an interest in the labour movement, he would not at all approve of the wasteful spending of taxes, and of the armed forces that caused pain to many of the country’s citizens.
Thinking so, as expected his mood turned bleak.
Kunitaka, whose face was too pale for it to go unnoticed by his superior, had been told to go home early. He went back to his house once, and then went out again.
Thinking about Ryouichirou, vacillating between hope and fear, was stupid to his innermost depths. No matter what, the thought of Ryouichirou would not leave his head, and so he made his way to the Kanda neighbourhood.
If he dropped by without any prior notice, it would be a bother to Ryouichirou, but if it was the bookshop, he could show his face as a customer. If Kunitaka confirmed that he wouldn’t be rejected by him, he would be happy.
They had made plans to go out together on the weekend, but that was not enough to give him peace of mind. Kunitaka wanted confidence in knowing he wasn’t hated.
“Was it definitely the Hokushin Book Store?” Kunitaka muttered. Kanda was a road with book shops and second hand book shops all jumbled together, but the bookshop had a distinctive name, he should be able to quickly find it.
When he saw a map on the road of the second hand book shop street, he saw written there that the Hokushin Book Store was in the area of Urajinbou-cho.
He soon found the shop he was looking for.
The shop front was quite tucked away, and crowded shelves of books were lined up. In the third of the shop taken over by Western books, he caught sight of students, wearing their school caps, browsing through the books with single minded concentration.
“Excuse me.”
“Hello, can I help you?”
The elderly shop owner, wearing glasses, shortly came out, and smiled in Kunitaka’s direction.
“Is Narita here today?”
“Narita?”
The old man made a puzzled face, and looked at Kunitaka in confusion.
At his voice, a young man who had been arranging books on a shelf looked over his shoulder. A young man with a long and lean body, but it wasn’t Ryouichirou.
“I heard that he worked here. A man called Narita Ryouichirou.”
“Narita, huh. I have two employees, but neither of them is called Narita…”
“So he’s not here?”
“He’s not.” The shop owner apologetically bowed his head.
“Oh, really…there’s no other book shops around here called Hokushin, are there?”
As much as he looked shaken on the surface, Kunitaka was not immature.
“No, just ours.”
What was that supposed to mean?
Ryouichirou had written on a piece of paper and told him the name Hokushin Bookshop as the place he was employed.
The young man who had just before looked over his shoulder at Kunitaka, walked with a limp. Noticing Kunitaka’s glance at the young man, the old man dropped his voice.
“It’s a terrible, right.”
Then the old man’s voice dropped to a whisper.
“He was tortured by the military police. Mistook him for a red.”
“The military police…”
The aged shop owner nodded indignantly. “Good grief, it really is an awful story. Despite the fact those soldiers are all but useless, they do whatever they want. One day though they’re going to get what’s coming to them. ”
The man was probably talking like this because, from outward appearances, Kunitaka did not look like a soldier. Undoubtedly, he thought he was a sensitive intellectual, he had showed his true self, there was no mistake.
“There’s not any other employees here?”
“There is, but no one named Narita. There’s another guy called Takahashi.”
Over there, in the direction the shop owner pointed, he could see the back of a young man with a small frame.
I don’t understand…
He was also confused. Why had Ryouichirou lied about the bookshop he worked at? A small lie, that would soon be discovered.
Staggering, with unreliable footsteps, Kunitaka left the bookshop behind, and continued along the path he recognised as leading to Ryouichirou’s lodging.
“Well then, I’ll come again.”
“Take care on your way back. If something happened to you…”
At the familiar voice, Kunitaka quickly looked up. From Ryouichirou’s dwelling, a young woman was just leaving.
“eh…”,His voice became hoarse.
Moving into Ryouichirou’s blind spot, Kunitaka agitatedly hid under the eaves of a nearby house.
He felt dizzy.
A lover…?
His chest tightened painfully. If it was a visitor he had invited over, it would be someone he was close to. It wasn’t unthinkable.
Ryouichirou didn’t seem to have the traces of a woman around him, but it also wasn’t impossible. Ryouichirou had an attractive charm. There wouldn’t be people who wouldn’t fall in love with him.
If he were a woman, he would be attracted to Ryouichirou.
No, even though he wasn’t a woman, he might have fallen in love with Ryouichirou.
Even now, it was so.
“………..”
Kunitaka felt himself grow hot to his ears.
What was he thinking?
They were childhood friends. As his friend, it was natural to have a fondness for him.
At understanding this about himself, Kunitaka was horribly shaken.
Now, if he met Ryouichirou, he had a feeling he would blurt out the unthinkable. Now, with his thoughts in such disarray, he didn’t want to meet with Ryouichirou today.
Kunitaka, unable to stay there a moment longer, turned back. Those feelings, hot in his belly, he had no experience of. Was he jealous of that girl?
If there had been a lover, he didn’t mind.
However, the old Ryouichirou he wouldn’t do things like that. Even if he had grown up, developing late, pure and fastidious.
Had he become a person who would call a lover to their room?
Over there, that wasn’t Ryouichirou . That wasn’t the Ryouichirou that Kunitaka knew. Deceiving Kunitaka about the bookshop that he worked at, a man who would bring a lover to his room.
If it wasn’t Ryouichirou, what should he do?
Where would he find proof that this man was the real Ryouichirou?
“Idiocy…”
Overcome by terrible doubts, he felt like the ground he was standing on was shaking. Gasping for breath, Kunitaka leant against a nearby wall.
If that even that assumption was shaken, he started to think that everything was an unreliable illusion.
Who was he?
The man he knew, who was he?
Was he really Ryouichirou Narita?
Behaving as his childhood friend, was he not just some other person trying to get close to Kunitaka?
At the time they had met again, Kunitaka had not had any doubts. However, if his face even faintly resembled Ryouichirou’s, his behaviour would be easy. They had not come face to face for 10 years.
And besides, more than anything, there was that fake eye.
Unlike Ryouichirou, that artificial eyeball that gave off a cold light, even more, the boy on his memories and the he of now were like very different things, he was made to think.
People had thought to use the Seikanji family like this many times.
After becoming close, he might do things like solicit money and extort them. But, did he really have to be Ryouichirou to do that?
No, was not anybody ok?
In his head, the part of himself that had lost all reason whispered so.
He shouldn’t mind if it wasn’t Ryouichirou.
Certainly, had Kunitaka not felt healed by this man’s existence? In his constrained life, hadn’t he finally become able to breathe?
Despite being drawn to him, what was it that only now was making Kunitaka hesitate?
“No way,” Kunitaka muttered in a stifled voice.
There was no reason to be attracted to him. He was just a friend. However, his thoughts were too chaotic, he became unable to understand anything.
His own feelings, and Ryouichirou’s identity.
Why had he lied to Kunitaka?
–
“How unusual, you’ve invited me out somewhere.”
“Is that no good?”
Even though Ryouichirou had come into sight of the place they had arranged to meet, Kunitaka had only a despondent expression. When he saw Kunitaka, Ryouichirou tilted his head in concern.
“I didn’t say that.”
So easily that he was shocked, Kunitaka’s heart was trembling at the intersection of his sullen misgivings and jealousy. As much as a part of his heart that had grown large from the his pure joy at meeting Ryouichirou again, his disappointment had also grown.
What did Ryouichirou want?
Was his aim money? Or was it position?
If Kunitaka borrowed Asano’s power, it would be simple to bring to light information about Ryouichirou’s background.
If he were cautious, if he could get that much, but having to rely on on Asano was detestable. Having said that, he was also reluctant to turn down Ryouichirou’s invitation, so naturally he headed to the meeting place.
“Where are we going today…?”
“It’s fine, please come with me. This, I think, would be unusual for you, for sure.” With a terribly delighted laugh, Ryouichirou beckoned to Kunitaka.
Even though it should be, as far as it went, that Kunitaka was the master, Ryouichirou was quite relaxed and familiar towards him.
However, it wasn’t the case that he was moved by affection.
Whoever this man was, Kunitaka had to see through it. The seeds of doubt sown by Ryouichirou, grew larger day by day. Kunitaka’s heart, that had been just like the calm surface of a lake, was now overcome with storms and shaking.
Today, he had to get the information about the matter of his workplace out of Ryouichirou.
“Master Kunitaka, this way.”
In the direction they were heading, the number of people had increased, they were all aiming for the same place.
“Oh…!“
Seeing the grounds of a temple, Kunitaka’s breath caught.
The road approaching the temple was hung with countless paper lanterns, and people were spilling out. The lights of the food stalls was dazzling, and a sweet smell drifted from their direction.
“A festival?” Forgetting his intentions in coming, Kunitaka looked around with brightened eyes.
The temple road was full of the numerous night-time fair stalls. As if to forget to the economic hard times, children laughed noisily, and people milled about. He could even hear festival music, but when Kunitaka, smiling broadly, looked towards the direction of the sound, there were too many people, he couldn’t see.
“A down-town festival, would be unusual for you, right?”
“Rare? This is the first time!”
In the past, whenever he had heard the music of festivals, he had envied the neighbourhood children. He had wanted to go to that place where, sounds mingling together, music played.
“This way.” Ryouichirou whispered in Kunitaka’s ear, with a mischievous expression.
“Do you want to try something to eat? It’s delicious.”
“Eh?” What should he do? Even if he said something, he didn’t know what was good to eat.
“What…What’s good to have?”
“Everything! Besides, on special days like this, everything seems delicious.” Ryouichirou laughed amusedly, and pointed to a fairy floss stall. “How about some fairy floss?”
“Ahh, it’s really pretty.”
Here, this was a world that Kunitaka did not know.
So far, where he lived, had been small place, like an enclosed garden.
Where he had lived until now, had been a narrow place, an enclosed garden. In order to instil a pure culture into the members of the military, there was the cadet school and the military academy.
As the commissioned officer attached to the unit, It was closed, isolated society, there was nothing that brought about such fresh surprise.
Certainly, the books Ryouichirou had lent him were interesting, and Kunitaka’s eyes had been opened. However, at actually being among the sight and smell of such people, Kunitaka felt a thrill.
“Here.”
“Ahh, thank you.” Kunitaka timidly raised the fairy floss Ryouichirou had gone and bought for him to his mouth. It should have been fluffy, but as soon as he put it in his mouth it became sticky and heavy, it was a strange sensation.
“It’s sweet…”
“Do you like it?”
Looking happy, his eyes soft, Ryouichirou looked into Kunitaka’s eyes. As if as a small child, at that gesture, Kunitaka quickly became embarrassed.
“Don’t look” he muttered, and turned his face away.
“What?”
Blushing, embarrassingly he wasn’t able to speak.
“I didn’t know.” Kunitaka murmured, looking down.
“What…didn’t you know?”
“In spite of the fact my duty is supposed to be to protect ordinary people, I don’t know how they live at all. It’s shameful.”
“…it couldn’t be helped.”
As a military officer, Kunitaka only walked the high road. Even though he had heard talk of people’s poverty, he had never looked towards the common people’s way of life.
“Everyone has things they don’t know. Things they don’t understand. However, rather than not realising you don’t know these things, it’s better that you recognise them. In that case, you can try to understand others. Isn’t that not so?”
Kunitaka’s chest became achingly hot at Ryouichirou’s comfortless words.
He was glad he could meet Ryouichirou. He was glad that he was here.
Not matter how suspicious of him, even if it was jusy Kunitaka’s misapprehension, it was fine.
It was…Kunitaka was starting to think of him as his Ryouichirou.
Just as Kunitaka was trying to think of how to tell him that, suddenly there was a dreadful sound, and one of the stalls collapsed.
Kunitaka stood stock still in surprise. “A fight!”
“Oh, go on then.” Irresponsible bellows and screams, and the sound of something being broken. It seemed that some men who had had too much alcohol had somehow run into each other before somewhere, and started to fight on the temple road.
In the blink of an eye, a large crowd gathered around there, sweeping Kunitaka and Ryouichirou along.
“The police!” At that cry, the situation became exceedingly chaotic. People trying to get away, and people trying to get between the fighting men.
Then there was the sound of a police whistle, and numerous police came out, which at least meant that it didn’t become a complete crush.
“Ryou…?”
Kunitaka had lost sight of Ryouichirou, and looked frantically around the area, but in the confusion of the crowd he could not be found. Falling in his hand, the fairy floss Kunitaka clutched dropped to the ground.
Where had he gone?
Would he lose him again?
…Like that day.
Why his chest hurt so painfully, he didn’t know.
Becoming desperate, as he pushed his way into the crowd his skin became damp and sweaty.
Finally making it through the crowds, Kunitaka caught sight of the figure he sought.
“Ryou!”
He was near Ryouichirou, calling out to him, but Ryouichirou hadn’t noticed him. Ryouichirou seemed to be still searching for Kunitaka in the middle of the throng.
Kunitaka suddenly realised why.
He wasn’t visible in Ryouichirou’s field of sight-due to that artificial eye. Painful in his chest, Kunitaka was suddenly beset by heartrending emotion.
He wanted to be seen by Ryouichirou.
He wanted to always be by Ryouichirou’s side.
Any time he was seen by Ryouichirou’s eyes, he was glad.
Who he was or where he was from, it had nothing to do with Kunitaka.
“Ryou!”
When Kunitaka purposely made his way around to his right side and called out, Ryouichirou turned around, his expression relieved.
“Thank goodness, I thought I’d lost you.”
“Sorry.”
Ryouichirou softly grasped Kunitaka’s hand.
“This way we won’t be separated.”
From the part where they touched, he had the feeling of Ryouichirou’s warmth spreading throughout his whole body.
Like poison, that warmth was alluring.
-We won’t be separated…
The irrational feeling budding in his heart, so much that he couldn’t even laugh it off, he understood it exactly.
Not that they would be separated, but they could not be separated.
He shouldn’t. This man was too dangerous. He had lied, and gotten close to Kunitaka. Kunitaka had concluded there was more to this.
Even so, he thought, it must be by this man.
Kunitaka understood.
From Ryouichirou came the whiff of secrets.
The cold light in his artificial eye, that surely was closest to the true nature he possessed.
Even though he knew he shouldn’t, Kunitaka’s troubled heart and mind was unmistakably drawn to Ryouichirou.
Kunitaka was afraid of losing him. Of once again losing this warmth.
“Shall we go do goldfish scooping? Over here, look-“, said Ryouichirou, his hand and fingers…
Separated from Kunitaka’s.
Unthinkingly, Kunitaka chased that hand, and this time he himself took Ryouichirou’s hand.
“Master Kunitaka…?”
Looking over his shoulder, Ryouichirou had a puzzled expression.
The day had come that when he saw that face, his chest hurt as much as this-who on earth would have imagined it.
Translation Notes
Hokushin Book store/distinctive name-North star book store
Even though it should be, as far as it went, that Kunitaka was the master, Ryouichirou was quite relaxed and familiar towards him. – This mostly refers to Ryouichirou’s use of language, it’s more casual here/less keigo here.
Down-town festival-Shitamachi- This refers to the low lying areas of eastern Tokyo around the Sumida and Awakawa rivers. Historically, Shitamachi was the lower working class area, while the affluent, upper class area was called “Yamanote”. Kunitaka lives in Azabu, which is in the Yamanote area, while Ryouichirou, living in Kanda, is in the Shitamachi area.
Seikanji Ichizoku Translations 